Gnat! (gnat23) wrote,

The waxing of the calendar month

It is go time.

I am finding myself at the Stanford Fertility Clinic more and more frequently now. Appointments can be scheduled with dramatic urgency and with no fucks given to anything else resembling plans. I told my Very-German-Boss that I was going through some “medical stuff” which might require me to disappear from the office with little notice; he merely nodded and told me to take care of myself and try not to stress out.

I am trying very hard not to stress out.

I have been spending a lot of time at home, reading or tinkering with hobbies. I am not pushing myself in the gym anymore to achieve N+1 since last time. The cat has been rediscovering my lap in the same way I’m rediscovering Netflix.

I am letting go of grudges. I am not scolding other departments for not doing their part. I am declining meeting invites that I don’t want to attend. I am shrugging more and emailing from home less. I am taking daily walks at the lunch hour with my more patient coworkers.

I am booking a massage to try and counteract the doubled-dose of hormones I have been prescribed.

I am, honestly, very grateful for the attitude of the Stanford doctors: there are no good luck charms, no strange diets, no rituals, nothing that isn’t grounded by a scientific paper or six. In fact, my doctor removed one medication because of something she had seen disproved just last week. Compare this to the Tribal Knowledge of Internet Forums and even my brief flirtation with Acupuncture where I always feel like I’m not doing enough and whenever things go wrong it has been my own fault.

But the flip side of it is that right now there’s nothing much for me to do. All I can do is take my hormones and try not to stress out.

I am trying very hard not to stress out.

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