December 11th, 2008


Anybody there?

This last weekend, I hit the stage of being lonely.

Being lonely is different than being alone. I'm alone a lot; I live by myself and don't go out much on the school nights. I can run errands, fix dinner for myself, sometimes with a glass of wine, watch a movie, or read. Weekends is usually selecting from the smorgasbord of local events and venturing forth. Comfy, calm, no weirdness.

But this last weekend, I was lonely. I had plans Friday, but otherwise everything kinda fell through. My man was out of town, my friends had other stuff going on, and suddenly I found myself with an expanse of empty naked time.

One lesson I learned: Wine tasting by yourself should be avoided. Well, it might be ok if you're the only one in there with the old guy pouring, and you can have a conversation and chat an talk wine or the economy or dog names or whatever. But at a large party where everyone is occupied and coupled and not really *friendly* to a girl in a pink santa hat... I had no one to bounce impressions off of, no one to ask for advice on what to get, and in the end I just stood over by the table with the chocolate truffles, swirling my glass endlessly, not able to finish since I had to drive myself home to boot.

And so I drove myself home. I was originally going to go hiking through the redwoods, but I wasn't feeling it anymore. Besides, my car was acting a little funny and I didn't want to risk being stranded in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of wine, you know, alone.

Sunday, I had the idea to bike out to the coast. Over breakfast, I started thinking about going all the way out there, in the cold for 5ish hours, by myself... I promptly downgraded my plan to an easy mountain bike ride near Palo Alto. Researching the trails there, I accidentally started reading about mountain lion attacks and solo cyclists falling off narrow single-track down into oblivion, presumably not found for weeks... then I jinxed that idea too.

And so it was that I spent my entire Sunday on the couch curled up in a leopard-print fleece, taking non-stop advantage of the new Netflix/XBOX streaming capabilities.

So, I keep wondering where I went wrong. I chalk it up to bad planning, but there's something to be said for not feeling comfortable enough to just call someone out of the blue, doing the 'hey whatcha doin?' dance. Maybe I earned the right to be in a funk once in a while, to feel sorry for myself, to not share my time; that's ok, I guess, but it felt pretty rotten in the moment.

In any case, I feel like it's gone now, whatever imp that it was. Bring back the fun, pls.